Making Real Friends: Advice from a Desert Father

pravs-j-hold-on-to-friendship-edit

“Why can’t I make ‘real’ friends? I feel lonely all the time,” writes a 20 year old to Yahoo Answers. The advice in this case (join a sports club) struck me as a travesty. OK, the malaise might be temporary, a teenage angst, and joining a club might sort it. But surely the issue is more existential, reaching to the deepest parts of our conscious human need. As Mother Teresa of Calcutta wrote: Loneliness is the most terrible poverty.

Jesus Christ knew how vital friendship was. He became a friend to the friendless and unwanted (Luke 7:34). As he neared his death, he reserved the highest accolade for His inner circle: “I have called you my friends” (John 15:15). And most telling of all, in the horror of his own personal agony in Gethsemane, he wanted his closest friends near him – and opened his heart to them in the most open, vulnerable way (Mark 14:33-34).

With this in mind, it is certainly surprising that Christian writers down the ages have been remarkably silent on the subject of true friendship, heart-brotherhood and the like. In the next few posts I hope to unearth some of what has been said on the subject and see how it may apply in our own society today.

Some members of the New Creation Christian Community, UK

First up in my trawl is John Cassian (c.360-435). As a young man, he was exercised over how to live a godly life with true brotherhood. So he and his best friend, Germanus, travelled from his native Romania to visit the hermitages and monasteries of Palestine and Egypt. Here, Cassian documented the structures, lifestyle and teachings of the Desert Fathers. Years later, in 415, when he was abbot of a monastery near Marseille, he published these under the title Conferences. They are a seminal tool for the student of early monastic life.

For this blog post, what concerns us is Conference 16: The First Conference of Abbot Joseph, on Friendship. In conversation with Cassian, the abbot first looks at many kinds of friendship outside the Christian framework, which he says can be motivated by self-interest, nepotism, the longing for recognition, or selfish desires. True Christian friendship, on the other hand, he sees as founded on two things: like-mindedness and a common purpose.

Love can only continue undisturbed in those in whom there is but one mind, to will and to refuse the same things. This is the sure and indissoluble union of friendship, where the tie consists only in being alike in goodness and having a union of character in God.”

For such friendship to come into being, “whatever things the world might offer cannot be regarded more highly than what is most valuable: love of a brother. Everything, even what one deems useful and necessary, must be subordinate to the blessing of love and peace. Realising that, all too soon, one must pass from this world, one cannot permit any vexation to linger in the heart.

“For if one is walking along the the path outlined above, how can he ever differ from his friend, if he claims nothing as his own and entirely cuts off the first cause of any quarrel. He observes to the best of his power what we read in Acts 4, verse 32: The company of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one said that any of the things which he possessed was his own, but they had everything in common.”

Advertisements

Tags: , , , , , , ,

About Trevor Saxby

I'm a mentor, friend to many, with a PhD in church history. I love learning from the 'movers and shakers' of the past, as I want to be one today!

4 responses to “Making Real Friends: Advice from a Desert Father”

  1. James Stacey says :

    ‘…friendship outside the Christian framework, which can be motivated by self-interest, nepotism, the longing for recognition, or selfish desires.’ Careful – this sounds sweeping, snooty and superior. Many people I know who are not Christians make very wonderful, caring, self-sacrificing friends. And some Christians are downright selfish.

    • sch0larly says :

      You’re right, of course, James. I was paraphrasing the language of the conference. Had you or I been there with Joseph and Cassian, we might have mediated a less condemnatory tone. The Desert Fathers, while inspiring in so many ways, tended to paint the outside “the world” (i.e. everyone who wasn’t of their persuasion) with the same broad brush – a condemnatory one. You and I know it isn’t as simple as that.

  2. John Vagabond says :

    Many years ago, I was asked to join a community. The carrot dangled before me was ‘friendship’ and ‘brotherhood’, the stick I suppose was for me a relatively solitary nature had left me ill-prepared to share, either emotionally or, indeed, in many other ways either, thus in order to ft in, I was going to have to wrench parts of me to point in a very unfamiliar direction. Some, I think, are gifted philadelphians – their natural inclination is to participate, thus making them ‘good community members’. People like me, on the other hand, aren’t.

Any comments?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: